02. thirty three tidbits for my 33rd birthday
On doing more, staying present, and being less scared
I turned 33 today.
I’ve never been a huge birthday person (to say the least); in fact, I used to hate my birthday. I don’t like all the attention that comes with birthdays. I don’t like attention at all, if we’re being honest. But I’ve softened a bit in recent years. I don’t love my birthday, but I’ve been trying to find bits of joy where I can. I also try to reflect on what has happened in the last year, what I’m hoping for the next, and what I want to remember/work on.
Earlier this year, I was reading Olivia Muenter’s newsletter—specifically her “31 things on my 31 birthday” post—and I filed it away as a future journal prompt for my Hobonichi. I thought it was a perfect way to catalog the year, as well as a way to give myself advice for the coming year. When I first read that post, I didn’t have a newsletter, but now that I do (and I am on the hook1 to write these) I figured this would be as good a place as any.
This next year means I am heading toward my mid-30s. A lot of people say that you only become more yourself as you age, and, while I am finding that to be true, I also find myself wanting to understand and discover myself at a deeper level. Are all of the things I believe about myself still true? Or are they just stories I’ve told myself about myself? Thirty three is a big year for me because it’s the year I’ll marry my best friend. I’ll consider whether I want to change my name; if and how we want to expand our family; what the next few years of my career might look like; and where we may want to settle down long term. It’s exciting and scary and the perfect opportunity to reflect on who I’ve been as a way to become who I want to be. Okay, I’m officially slipping into a bit of birthday mumbo jumbo, so I will just say: your 30s are weird and cool, and I’m hoping to lean more into the latter this year.
Forgive my tenses, as I shift in and out of first- and second-person, but on my birthday I am giving myself the gift of being an I and a You.
So without further ado:
“You can't pin joy like a moth.” I printed out this tweet to put on the first page of my journal because I needed the reminder to “start devouring all my nicest things, and save no small pleasure for an unspecified future.” I often save my nice things—whether candles, journals, anticipated books I’m scared will disappoint me, or infused olive oils—for someday, but someday is not guaranteed. We deserve joy now and now and now.
Read your most anticipated books. Related to point one, and perhaps paradoxically, I often put off reading the books I’m most excited about. I’m not sure why, but there’s already not enough time to read everything I want to read so I really need to stop denying myself the books I want to read right now.
Perfectionism is holding you back. Maybe not you, but it certainly is holding me back. Here’s to less perfectionism in my 33rd year.
Keep the promises you make to yourself. It can be hard to both parent and baby yourself at the same time, but it’s so important to be accountable to yourself and your wants/needs/dreams.
Be kind to yourself and others. And don’t be afraid to lay it on thick. We all need more of it.
The more you people please, the less you please yourself. I tend to put the wants, needs, and feelings of other people before my own, which is not necessarily bad, but it feels bad sometimes. So I need to figure out how to balance being a good friend without sacrificing who I am.
Be where your feet are. As a person with anxiety, it can be so hard to be present. At times it can feel impossible, but life feels so much more full and beautiful when your mind and body are in the same place.
Keep mementos but not too many. I want to keep every piece of ephemera that I can (and I always have), but the square footage of my apartment says that’s not possible. I will find ways to save things but not everything.
Be creative in archiving your ephemera. Whether it's painting, journaling, quilt making, or taking photos of physical things, find new ways to remember old things.
Speaking of creativity, get back to your writing. You have missed it and I’m sure it misses you too. This newsletter is a good start, but you have other goals. Big goals that require time and committment.
Move your body in whatever ways feel best. It’s good for your body, of course, but also your brain and imagination.
Don’t let your emotions become another person’s problem. Though you’re working on this, it is one of your biggest shortcomings, the thing you most want to change about yourself.
Send the return the day you initiate the return. Just do it or it will sit in your apartment for two weeks (at best) or 2 months (at worst).
Cultivate your relationships with friends and family. Without them, the center of your life cannot hold.
Keep chocolate in your freezer.2 We should all have a “break in case of emergency” bar in the freezer.
Hope is harder to nurture than indifference—but it’s worth it. This is true of almost anything and everything in life.
Keep your space clean. Your brain will thank you.
Try your hardest not to give into overconsumption. The world is burning and you don’t need any gizmo or gadget that the influencers are totally obsessed with this week.
Don’t put off tasks that can be done in less than 10 minutes. This may be the most life changing tidbit on this list.
Get outside as often as you can. Whether a walk through the suburbs, a picnic in the park, or laying by a body of water, scan the horizon and breathe deeply whenever you have the opportunity.
Say yes more often. You have gotten into the habit of making your life smaller over the past few years. It’s time to open it back up again.
But also learn to say no. Yes, this is a paradox! But also we should only do things we actually want to do. As queen Kim Cattrall said, “I don’t even want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself."
Wear your mouthguard to bed. You need it. Your jaw is begging you to wear it.3
Get your passport. It’s time to travel internationally, baby.
Do it scared. It’s become a bit of a cliche, but fear has a way of keeping us stuck. I want this year to be the year that I do the things even (and especially) when I’m scared.
Make a decision and move on. If wedding planning has taught me anything, don’t ruminate on what you could or should have done. It will do nothing but make you sick.
Stop mindlessly scrolling so much. We need to get your screen time down, girlie. You are much happier when you know less about almost everyone.
Let people compliment you. Don’t be the person who denies others the opportunity to love you out loud.
And tell your people you love them out loud. Do it often.
It’s okay to want to change. It’s okay to also want to stay the same.
Let yourself rot every once in a while. As someone who falls into the productivity trap often, this will be hard—but you need it. Give yourself permission to just be rather than always doing.
Don’t get caught up in timelines. We are all moving at different speeds, on different highways, in different vehicles. Focus on where you’re going, where you’ve been, and who's along for the ride.
Be thankful and grateful for another year. Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones because that’s when we learn and grow and find new ways to survive and thrive.
With literally only myself.
I’m partial to Lindt’s sea salt dark chocolate and Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups.
Related: Unclench your goddamn jaw every once in a while.
Lovely 🥰 Happy birthday to you! ❤️